The Destiny of Zelda and Samus
by Maria Angseth
Summary: Marriages are destroyed, evils are reborn, and a war across dimensions is declared, but all that matters is that love conquers all...doesn't it? Samus Aran/Queen Zelda. Rated M for gratuitous lady-love, language, and a few scenes of graphic violence.
1. Certainly Not Bisexual

Disclaimer: I don't own Super Smash Bros. or any of the franchises from which it draws its content.

A door creaked open, and Zelda, queen of all Hyrule, entered the castle she shared with her husband, Link. She'd spent

several hours hunting, since Link preferred a quiet life...or so he said.

"Link...? Are you here? I'm home, and I brought you a nice big pheasant to cook!"

"Ahhh...ohhhhh...ohhhh, yes...that's my spot..."

Zelda was a bit worried after hearing Link say that, but she'd decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and continue to call

for him.

"Link! Is someone else there with you?"

Link hadn't heard a word she said, of course, but she certainly had heard him...and his guest for the evening.

"Wow, Link...you're so tight. You sure don't sleep around much, do you? Where I come from, that's a sign of weakness..."

"Don't say that!" Zelda heard her husband protest. "I'm strong! I am!"

"You sure look strong with my dick in your ass."

At that, Zelda blanched. He was cheating on her...with a man?!

"Come on, Link...just admit it. You want to be controlled. You want to be taken, and that's something a woman just can't

do." came the low growl of Link's suitor. Zelda kept her back pressed against the opposite wall. Before she would even allow

the tears welling in her eyes to fall, she had to know who this man was.

"I...I..." Link's voice was higher than usual, a soft, almost feminine whimper. "You're...you're right...I do want that. And no

woman, not even Zelda, can give me what I want."

"But I can..." There was that growl again. Zelda recognized it, but she couldn't give it a name...

"Yes...yes, you can..." Link's voice was trembling. Not a tremble of fear or anxiety...no, the voice of Zelda's husband shook

with tremors of unfathomable lust...lust he'd never displayed to her.

"Tell me you want me, Link."

"I...I want you! I want you so much!" Link choked.

"Say my name, Link! Who do you want?!"

"I...I want you, Roy! Take me! Take me hard!"

...ROY!

Zelda gritted her teeth, finally giving way to her emotions and slamming her fist into the stone floor as tears streamed down

her porcelain face. She couldn't give Link what he wanted, so he'd turned to that rhinestone pretty-boy from Altea. She was

more powerful than both of them put together, and she could kill them both in an instant. But...she would never do such a

thing. She was the uppermost piece of the Triforce, not its far right. If Link didn't love her, she wouldn't raise hell about

it...she'd just leave.

Within minutes, Zelda stood alone in the forest closest to Hyrule Castle, her heart broken and her eyes leaking liquid agony.

Not two hours prior, she'd been living the perfect life. Now, her life had fallen apart. Well...that sure sounded like Zelda's

routine.

The forest at night was not the safest of places, but the dark creatures who dwelt there knew better than to toy with Hyrule's

queen. In the earlier years of Zelda's rule, a lot of them didn't...and a lot of them died. Apparently, however, a solitary Octorok

was the sole denizen of the wood who didn't receive that memo.

It leaped from the bushes, claws flashing and eyes glowing with malice. Zelda saw it and sighed, falling to her knees and

folding her hands in surrender.

"Kill me," she pleaded softly. "Kill me and eat my accursed flesh, you damnable creature."

While the Octorok was certainly confused, even a damnable creature with a single-digit IQ wouldn't pass on a free meal. It

raised its enormous violet pincer, and Zelda shut her eyes tight as she felt the tough, war-worn claw clasp around her throat.

This was it. The sweet release of death.

kyiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii...BOOM!

A night-shattering blast.

The screech of an ending life...but that life was not Zelda's.

The queen opened her eyes, and what she saw before her shocked and infuriated her.

The only creature generous enough to end her pain had itself been murdered. Standing before Zelda and the smoldering

corpse of the Octorok was a tall, armored figure, clad in red steel. This figure's left hand was clasped tightly around its right

arm...which ended in a long, sleek, metallic cannon. The cannon itself was emanating smoke from its recent discharge. The

figure stood straight up, staring at Zelda from behind a green glass visor.

"Why..." Zelda whimpered, stopping the armored warrior who had just turned to leave.

Her savior stopped and turned, visibly confused.

"Why did you do that to me?!" Zelda screeched, rushing towards the person and slamming her fist against a cold metal

chest. "You...you ruined my death! How could you?! HOW COULD YOU, SAMUS?!"

The warrior who'd ruined her death was indeed Samus Aran, who had travelled to Hyrule through Subspace to chase a

particulary clever bounty head...but that could wait.

What Samus did next was not something she did very often, but given that she and Zelda had stood side-by-side for more

battles than the orphan cared to count, there was some sort of trust there.

Several buttons were pressed, and Samus removed her helmet, showing a soft, tapered face and a head of long, tightly

ponytailed blonde hair.

"Zelda..." she said softly, her voice uncharacteristically gentle. Samus gripped Zelda's hand in hers, since the Hyrulian queen

wouldn't stop hitting her by herself.

"Calm down, Zelda," Samus whispered. "You can't make a dent in my suit. You'll hurt yourself."

Zelda clenched her hand around Samus's, tears once again welling in her eyes.

"You'll hurt yourself," Samus repeated, pulling Zelda to her feet again. "Come on...my ship isn't far from here. You need

rest...and you can tell me what happened when we get there."

Zelda gazed up at Samus, her thin elven lips showing the tiniest hint of a sad, sad smile. She nodded, and walked to the

other end of the forest hand-in-hand with the warrior who'd saved her life.

The Subspace portal, wide, deep, and ominous, glowed before them. It had been many a year since Zelda had used one, and

she felt genuinely frightened looking at it.

"Just walk through it," Samus advised. "Subspace thrives on fear and conflict. I don't understand it myself, to be honest."

Zelda didn't take Samus's advice. Instead, she jumped straight at the portal. Leaping from the soft grass, Zelda expected,

knowing Samus, to land on cold steel...or even volcanic stone. However, she felt her feet touch...more soft grass.

Samus wasn't far behind Zelda, and she allowed herself to utter a small chuckle.

"Do you know where you are, Zelda?" she asked sweetly. "I thought it best to set up a base of operations here. Welcome...to

Tallon IV."

Zelda gazed around her. This wasn't the kind of place in which she expected to encounter Samus. This...this was beautiful!

Lush green grass and moss coating smooth, grey rock, all accompanied by seven or eight long, flowing waterfalls,

surrounded Zelda and Samus. The bounty hunter took Zelda by the hand and smiled sweetly.

"You should spend a few days here to calm yourself down," Samus advised. "The wildlife isn't hostile. Besides...even if they

were, couldn't you just sing to them to make them love you?" She smiled wryly.

Zelda rolled her eyes at Samus, making a little 'huff' sound. "Oh, how original...a princess joke. I'm a queen now, you

know."

Samus's smile faded suddenly as she remembered why she'd brought Zelda here. "Zelda...what happened that made you...do

what you did?"

Zelda blanched, the bliss of the moment immediately dissolving into a swirling pool of misery and rejection.

"I...I came home from a hunting excursion. I'd...I'd killed the biggest pheasant I'd ever seen so that Link could make a roast for

us to share. When I found him...he was...he was..." Zelda trailed off, unable to finish her sentence.

"Link is having an affair?" Samus guessed. "You saw him with another woman?"

Zelda shook her head, sending tears flying this way and that. "No...a man!"

Samus's skin went a shade lighter. "Wh...what? Link...fancies men? Since when?"

"I don't know or care," Zelda whimpered. "I heard his new lover...it's Roy, from Altea."

Samus gritted her teeth. She'd always detested Roy, thinking of him as a loudmouthed child who placed a little too much

emphasis on how...flaming...he was.

"Roy said that Link needed to be controlled," Zelda continued, "and that's something a woman just can't do."

Samus scoffed. "If Roy said that, and Link believed it, then neither of them know what it means to be a real woman...or to

have one." She was angry as hell now. "If Link thinks that you're not as strong as he is, then he doesn't deserve you. Simple

as that."

Zelda had fallen to her knees, crying very quietly in the emerald-green grass.

"It could be, however," Samus theorized, "that Link is simply bisexual."

Zelda shook her head. "I would know if he was. Bisexuals have an innate ability to sense when someone around them is

bisexual as well...or at least that's the case in Hyrule."

Samus raised an eyebrow. "You are...?" This was news to her, but if what Zelda said was true, it would make sense.

The queen nodded, leaning down to smell one of Tallon IV's native flowers. "I am. I know that you probably can't identify with

being attracted to women, Samus, but there's something about women that I've always found so beautiful."

Samus's response was, in retrospect, a little dodgy.

"Well, you're right, Zelda. I'm certainly not bisexual."

The two spent the day taking in Tallon IV's rich, diverse wilderness. Samus had removed her Power Suit and left it at the ship,

wearing only the skin-tight 'Zero Suit,' which had had numerous people during the Subspace fiasco staring her down.. Zelda,

meanwhile, had used her magical prowess to assume the form of the nimble, nigh-mummified Sheik, so that the two could

engage in contests of flexibility, agility, and speed. They raced through the Chozo Ruins, sparred on blocks of ice in the

Phendrana Drifts, and dodged blasts of searing hot lava in the Magmoor Caverns. Zelda was astounded at Samus's choice of

pastimes. She hadn't had this much fun in years.

As the sun set over Tallon IV, the two women sat on top of the enormous floating monolith in which the Chozo had written the

locations of their sacred Artifacts. Zelda was breathtaken by the view, and Samus had, over the course of the day, become

breathtaken by Zelda.

Standing back and gazing at the way the twilight attached to the former princess, Samus felt her eyes soften. Zelda was the

epitome of beauty. Those long, flowing locks...spilling over her back like a waterfall and framing that tapered face that so

matched Zelda's prestige. But even more beautiful than Zelda's body was her voice. There were always words of wisdom

spouting from between those full, gorgeous lips, and with a melodic call like hers, Zelda made everything she said sound like

a divine hymn. Zelda was so wise...and so beautiful...and above all, she was kind. Not that artificial, sickeningly syrupy

sweetness that Peach spewed about, leading Samus to make the word 'aspartame' into an adjective and cease eating fruit for

over a month. Zelda's was true kindness, the kind you didn't have to try to flaunt.

During the Subspace affairs, Samus had caught herself staring at Zelda numerous times. Now she knew why. She lowered

her head and silently cursed herself for commiting that most heinous of crimes...love.

"Zelda," Samus said softly. "I...need a moment to myself. Will you be alright here for a few minutes? I'm going to go inside

the tower."

Zelda turned, smiling that sweet smile that made Samus's heart skip a beat. "Of course, Samus. I hope nothing is wrong."

Samus returned the smile, shaking her head. "No, nothing. I just have something to mull over for a moment." With that, she

stepped into the tower, the doors sliding shut behind her.

The tower's very center was one of Samus's favorite places to think. From behind the green window, everything was so

vast...it helped put things into perspective for the warrioress. However...standing in the very center of the tower floor and

hearing a slight shuffle of metal on fabric, Samus knew that she wasn't alone.

She clenched her fists tight. Who was following her? Was it Ridley? He'd certainly cheated death more times than Samus

could count. Was it her longtime rival, Captain Falcon? The two of them had yet to end their feud. Or was it...!

"So that's why you resisted my charm."

Samus whipped her head around and grinned slyly. No threat after all.

"Hello to you too, Snake."

The legendary soldier-of-fortune deactivated his camouflage, chuckling. "At first, I thought I was losing my edge with women.

But now it all makes sense, Samus." He took a long drag on the cigarette that dangled from his scruffed lips.

"...You're a lesbian, aren't you?"

Samus tipped her head back a little and sighed, relaxing in the company of an ally who had taken every possible opportunity

to make sexual passes at the Chozo adoptee.

"Guilty as charged, comrade. If I were into men, trust me; you'd be at the top of my list."

This drew a hearty, uber-masculine laugh from Snake. "That doesn't surprise me. I'm at the top of most lists. What can I say;

I'm just that damn good." He reached into his utility belt, producing a can of a fizzy brown brew that was, by Samus's

standards, ancient history.

"You wanna Coke? I remember you liking them during the whole Subspace thing."

Samus smiled warmly, nodding. "Yeah...yeah, I'd like that a lot." The mercenary threw the can to the bounty hunter, who

caught it, opened it, and drank deeply. "Mmmm...that hits the spot. Thanks, Snake. I needed that. I've got a lot on my mind."

"Yeah, I noticed," Snake concurred, blowing a small puff of smoke into the air. "You're eyeballing Zelda, hmm? That your type

of woman? Sorta seems like if you two went to bed, you'd break her in half."

Samus chuckled a bit. "You're such a pig, Snake...and for your information, I haven't once given any thought to doing that

with her."

"Now THAT," Snake stated plainly, winking at Samus. "That I don't believe. C'mon, Samus, you can trust me. Who'm I gonna

tell? Mei Ling? Like she'd give a damn."

Samus sighed. Snake could read her well. She was glad that she'd met her match, as he had his.

"Alright, you caught me, Snake. It's kept me awake at night...the thoughts of what I'd do to that body of hers. I want to do

anything and everything to her, but more than that...I want to do anything FOR her. Understand?" She looked at him,

wondering if a trained killer like him even knew what emotions were.

"Some people, I hear, call that 'love.' I personally have never once felt it." Snake shrugged, leaning against the wall. "So you

love Zelda. Well, then, there's only one thing you can do."

"Oh?" came the querying reply. "What's that?"

"Go back onto the balcony where your girl is and make a move. It's a hit-or-miss tactic, Samus, and you'll never know till you

try."

Samus looked at Snake pensively. "But what if I miss?"

"I doubt it'll have any lasting negative effects," Snake replied, approaching love from a scientific standpoint. "The girl's

obviously quite fond of you, judging by how she clung to ya so tight after that tussle you two had in Phendrana." He let out

another mockingly condescending chuckle. "For the record, that was so cute that I almost threw up."

Samus smiled softly as she remembered the events of earlier that day. She'd knocked Zelda from the large block of ice on

which they were sparring, and Zelda...well, Sheik, really...had plunged into the sub-zero water below. Samus dipped a hand

into it, seething in cold-induced pain as she pulled Zelda from a watery grave. Those big red eyes that made Sheik so

mysterious gazed up at Samus, then shut slowly as Zelda's magic failed. The skin-tight, ninja-esque suit faded, and Zelda's

dress spawned once more. Samus let out a small breath of surprise as she felt two small, heavily manicured hands cling

tightly to her shoulders. She'd put her arms around Zelda and just held her there, and after a moment, carried the near-

unconscious queen back to the ship, where Zelda warmed up before they headed to the tower.

As Samus was reminiscing, Snake had taken the time to both finish his cigarette and snap Samus from her daydream by

loudly coughing.

"So...yeah. Even a cold, heartless bastard like me sensed some chemistry there. If I sensed it...and it's something I usually

ignore...then chances are there's some pretty heavy magnetism goin' on between you two." He held out his hand for Samus's

empty can, which she gave to him. "I'll leave you to it. Go on and get your girl, soldier. You've been in the field for too damn

long; it's time to settle down."

And with that, Snake pressed a button, triggering his optical camouflage...and he was gone.

Samus huffed a little. She sometimes wished that Snake didn't focus so much on his image, but...if he didn't, then he

wouldn't be S-N-A-K-E.

Smiling as she felt confidence welling in her heart, Samus descended the long ramp to the tower's balcony. The doors

opened with a smooth kshhhhhhsound. Zelda turned around rapidly, folding her hands under her chin in a way that made

Samus have to work hard to avoid blushing.

"You're back! I was beginning to think that you'd gotten lost!" she teased with a demure giggle.

Samus approached her heart's desire, shaking her head. "No...but there's something I need to tell you."

Zelda nodded, her heart-melting smile ever-present. "Of course, Samus! You can tell me anything."

Samus took a deep breath, then spoke.

"I know that you were with Link before this business began, and you'll probably go back to him, because you love him--"

"Samus, stop." Zelda put a hand over the other's mouth. Samus stood bolt still, nervous for the first time in a good long while.

"You...aren't as impenetrable as you think, Samus." Zelda gazed into the bounty hunter's eyes. "Earlier today...before we

did all those fun things, and before you held me so sweetly...you told me you 'certainly weren't bisexual.'"

She took a step closer. Samus still didn't move.

"That was a very artful dodge on your part, you clever, clever warrior," she purred, her voice now dripping with allure. "You only

seek women, isn't that right?"

Samus finally gave in to her blush and closed her eyes, nodding, but still saying nothing.

Zelda's hand parted from Samus's lips. The queen took the time to notice, however, that they were the most soft, sensual lips

she'd ever laid a hand upon. Her hands moved down, resting on Samus's shoulders as they had in Phendrana.

"Zelda..." Samus warned. "Don't do anything you'll regret. I'm begging you."

"I've had just as much time to think it through as you have, Samus," came Zelda's firm, immovable reply. "I know what I'm

doing. Roy said to Link that I didn't have what he sought...but he had it backwards." She stepped forward once more so that

her smooth, streamlined body was barely, just barely brushing against Samus's full, warm chest.

"The truth is...I only married Link because it was what Hyrule wanted. I didn't care about what I wanted, but looking back..."

Before finishing her sentence, Zelda did indeed look back. It hadn't been Link who'd rushed headlong into a swarm of

thousands of Primids to rescue her when she was in over her head. He was a little too busy obsessing over his newfound

'partnership' with Roy. It hadn't been Link who'd housed her in a warm, cozy spaceship while her wounds healed. Link had

told her 'deal with it. It's just a pierced kidney. I've had tons of those.'

All those times, Link was not the one who had been her hero, as Hyrule thought. All those times, it had been Samus Aran.

Zelda snapped back to reality, gazing into the eyes of the one she truly loved.

"What I wanted, Samus...was you."

Samus's eyes widened. What was this feeling? Her throat tightened, her jaw quivered, and...a tear formed in her eye. Samus

was shocked. For the very, very first time in her life...she was crying.

"Z...Zelda...I lo--"

Samus was immediately silenced as Zelda leaned in quickly, capturing the bounty hunter's lips in her own. Samus

immediately reacted, wrapping her arms around Zelda's waist and letting her eyes slide shut as bliss took her away.

There was a tiny splash as the floor of the balcony was stained with Samus's first tear...then her second. Many more would

follow. There were years of emotion to be let out.

"Oh, Zelda..." Samus whispered as their kiss deepened.

That kiss...that outpour of passion and love...lasted for a good fifteen minutes. As it did, within the bowels of the tower, far out

of earshot of Zelda and Samus, a conversation was taking place.

"...and he's been raining fire onto the Mushroom Kingdom from a new airship. Bowser must be stopped. He's become very

powerful, and Mario can't handle him alone, not even with the aid of Luigi and Peach. They need you, Snake. You said you

had a personal mission to undertake. How's it coming along?"

Snake descended from the window room silently, using his binoculars to stare at the wide balcony. Upon seeing the two

women locked in the deepest, most passionate kiss he had ever seen, Snake grinned and saluted before responding to

Campbell.

"You're in luck, Colonel. My mission has just been accomplished. Rendezvous with me in Delfino Plaza in two hours."

He lit up a cigarette and wondered when the hell HE would be able to settle down.

Samus and Zelda sat on the edge of the balcony for a few hours, watching the sunset hand in hand. Once night had fallen,

Samus turned to her love, who had rested her head on the taller woman's shoulder.

"D'you want to go back to the ship for a night?"

Zelda didn't answer.

Samus leaned down a little to speak into Zelda's pointed ear, but stopped. She smiled quietly and kissed Zelda's forehead.

The queen had fallen asleep.

The busty blonde sighed a sigh of adoration, lifted Zelda into her arms as before, and carried her bridal-style off of the

balcony, down the steel walkway, across the fields of Tallon IV, and back to her ship, where she laid the sleeping queen

down on Samus's own bed. She leaned down, planted a soft, feathery kiss to Zelda's lips, and pulled several blankets over

her love.

"Rest well, my queen. Tomorrow's a new day."

However, for Samus, the night was still young, and she needed a bath.

Rather than take a shower inside her ship and risk waking Zelda, Samus opted for a more natural cleansing in the form of a

waterfall bath. She approached the large reflecting pool near her ship and let down her hair before dipping a hand into the

water. "Mmmm..." she purred nigh-inaudibly. Warm. Not too hot, or too cold, just...very, very warm. The perfect end to a

perfect day.

Without further ado, she unzipped her suit from the back, peeling the tight, flexible fabric from her bare flesh. She now was

completely naked, and anyone who'd been there to see her would surely have been in awe of Samus's physique. Most

athletic women had bulging biceps and thighs that could crush pure stone. Samus, however, was smooth and toned, with

wide hips, legs like porcelain, and large, heaving breasts. This surely would have had jaws dropping if anyone was there to

see her. Luckily for Samus, though, no one was there to see her. Or at least...not for a few moments.

Samus had set one toe in the water when she heard a small gasp. Turning around and instinctivly covering herself with her

arms and thighs, she saw that Zelda's slumber had ended.

"Z...Zelda! I thought you were asleep, I'm so sorry!"

Zelda approached Samus, her eyes half-shut, but not out of fatigue. She spoke only once, to utter one word...one name.

"Samus..."

The Hyrulian savior wrapped her arms around Samus's neck and kissed her as she had earlier that day, but this kiss was

different...this kiss was dripping with allure and shaking with desire.

"Samus..." Zelda repeated, gently tugging at the older woman's wrist. Samus was a bit shocked.

"Ze-mmm..." She was halted by a kiss, but managed to get out what she had to say. "Zelda, you're...you're going through a

lot of things right now. Are you--mmmm...are you sure you want to do this?"

Zelda's kisses were relentless and hungry. Samus could tell that the queen wouldn't stop until she was satisfied, and sure

enough, her reply stated as such.

"Samus, I've never been more sure of anything in my life. Please..." she trailed off, taking Samus's hand and pressing it

tightly against her waist, upon which laid the fasteners to her dress.

Samus let her eyes roll into the back of her head as she finally returned Zelda's passion. Apparently, however, a steamy

makeout session was far too tame for Zelda, who pressed Samus's shoulders downward lightly. The two fell to their knees,

and Samus searched feverishly for the fasters that held Zelda's dress in check. Zelda's lips parted from Samus's and the

elven woman lowered her head. "While you undress me..." she whispered, taking one of Samus's huge breasts in her hands

and licking the very tip of the nipple. Samus's spine stiffened momentarily. She'd pleasured herself before, but her hand and

Zelda's tongue were two very different things.

"Oh, god, Zelda...don't stop doing that..." she begged as she was finally able to locate the various pins that kept Zelda's long,

flowing dress intact. The tight, confining corset was loosened, and Zelda briefly ceased sucking on Samus's breast to raise

her arms. Samus pulled the entire dress off right there, leaving Zelda in nothing but her plain white stockings. These came off

instantly.

Samus lifted Zelda up and fell backwards, immersing both of them in warm, shoulder-deep water. She gripped Zelda by the

shoulders and pressed her new love tightly against the wall of the pool, smoothed by erosion.

"Zelda..." she whispered, placing a hand right above Zelda's womanhood.

Zelda nodded her consent, her hand on Samus's mimicking the position.

Two pairs of hungry lips met, and two sets of fingers penetrated the women that their owners loved. Both Samus and Zelda

tipped their heads back and moaned with passion.

"Oh, Samus...oh, Samus...deeper..." Zelda panted, her arm loosely draped around Samus's neck. Samus obliged, pushing

her two fingers farther in and searching desperately for that one spot that would put Zelda in utter heaven. She knew where

her own was, and she guided Zelda to it with her free hand.

"A little farther back...to your left...ahhhhhh! That's it!" Just as she'd said this, her hand alighted on that most sensitive area

of Zelda as well. Both of them screamed in pleasure, and both of them doubled their efforts.

As water poured from the rocks above onto their bodies, Samus's eyes were focused solely on the goddess before her. She

was literally ten seconds from climaxing, but it mattered little to her. The only thing on Samus's mind right now was this:

"Make Zelda feel good."

"Ohhh!" Judging by the heated whimper of the other, Samus had acheived her goal. "Samus, I'm about to..."

Samus nodded, smiling lovingly. "Me too...let's do it together."

She pressed her body tightly against Zelda's, and within seconds, their declaration of love had come full circle. If the sky had

been made of glass, then the cries of rapture as the two women climaxed together would have shattered it nicely.

And just as quickly as it had began...it was over. Both of them breathed heavily and stared at one another, then Samus

swooped upon Zelda with their most passionate kiss yet.

"Gods above, I love you," Zelda cooed, playfully nuzzling Samus's cheek.

"And I love you," came the response, once again calm and collected...textbook Samus. "Should we go back to the ship?"

Zelda shook her head. "Can we...can we sleep in this pool instead?"

Samus laughed a little. "You like it that much?" she asked, to which Zelda nodded and curled up a bit, getting good and

comfortable.

She kissed underneath Samus's chin and closed her eyes. Sleep would take them both soon, but before it did, Zelda had one

last thing to say.

"I...I think that I agree with you, Samus."

"Hm?" Samus queried. "On what, dear?"

Zelda giggled quietly and cuddled against the tall, busty blonde.

"You're...certainly not bisexual."


	2. Out With a Bang

Disclaimer: Nope. I still don't own Super Smash Bros. or any of the many franchises that had a bizarre virtual orgy to make this fucked-up flipper baby we call Smash.

One final brawl...to end them all.

That was what scriptures would later say to refer to the great debacle known as the Subspace War.

From all over many universes, fighters banded together to defeat a greater threat, one that wished to destroy all that ever was. However, some warriors were more in tune with the concept of camaraderie than others.

"Ahhhhh! Oh, gods above, my side!"

Zelda collapsed to the forest floor, panting heavily at the incredible pain that she'd been dealt at the hands of a Sword Primid. The coward had sneaked up behind her as she was dispatching dozens of its kin, and stabbed her ruthlessly in the hip. The then-princess whimpered in agony as blood flowed freely from her ruptured flesh.  
"SKRAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!"  
The Hero of Time rushed forward, dispatching the Primid with a single sword stroke. Zelda blushed a bit as she stared up at him, smiling weakly.  
"Don't give me that dopey grin, you clueless ditz," Link said coldly as he pointed his blade directly at her. "I only killed that thing because I might need your magic later on.

Now get up and keep fighting, woman!"  
Zelda let out another whimper, her jaw quivering.  
"Link...I think I need to rest. The wound is very deep..."  
"Oh, get over it, you whiny child! It's just a pierced kidney. I've had tons of those." With that, Link was gone, sprinting forward with a cry of "DON'T WORRY! I'LL HELP YOU, ROY!"  
Several creatures quickly took notice of Zelda's prone state, and rushed towards her. Fresh game...this one would make an amazing trophy. However, Zelda was fortunate in that she didn't need to worry about being abandoned by Link. That sound...that tiny sound out of the corner of her ear...where had she heard that before?

kyiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii...

Zelda's eyes widened and, as all of the Primids, Bucculus, and Floow were hit with a raucous BOOM that sent them packing, she spoke the name of the real hero of this picture.

"...Samus!"

As if cued by her own theme music, Samus Aran leaped from a tree, firing volleys of her trademark Super Missiles that detonated the remaining Subspace warriors. She

landed on her feet with a soft thud, then stood, the bright reds and yellows of her Varia Suit gleaming in the daylight. She approached Zelda, crouched, and offered the princess her hand.

Ahh, Samus.

Zelda awakened in her bedroom. Hyrule Castle, just as she'd left it two days ago. She'd walked in on Link's unforgivable adultery with that scumbag Roy, and she'd make him pay. Of this there was no doubt.

After her return, Link was, of course, sickening affectionate, telling her of how worried he'd been, but he knew, oh yes, he KNEW that his queen was safe. Zelda had had to put forth considerable effort to avoid gagging. But she remained calm, and she remained ever-vigilant. Tonight she'd brought a pheasant home for Link to cook. While he was cooking...Zelda was scheming.

She quickly crossed the room, looking out the window and straight down. If all went according to plan, there should be a camouflaged ally there...and there he was. The slight bending of light was just enough to note his presence.  
"Alright. I'm ready. Let's do this...Snake."  
Camouflage deactivated, and Solid Snake pulled himself up the grappling hook he'd set in the castle's roof.  
"You kept me waiting, but I don't mind. Anticipation can heighten the pleasure of most pleasurable sins." He tapped his earpiece once and, an entire dimension away, Samus was receiving the transmission.  
"This is Snake. I'm beginning my mission now."  
"Well done, Snake. Glad to see you got there without anyone noticing." Samus, clad in her Power Suit, was serving as Snake's CO, overseeing the operation from the bridge of her gunship.  
Snake raised an eyebrow. "Was there ever doubt in your mind, Samus? That's disheartening."  
"Cut the chitchat. Did you bring the spare suit I gave you?"  
"Yeah, here..." Reaching into his backpack, Snake produced a heavy jumpsuit, which he offered to Zelda.  
"It's a Zero Suit. Samus wants you to leave your dress behind."  
Zelda nodded, taking the suit. "Understood..."

As Snake turned his back and Zelda undressed, she thought deeply over what she was about to do. If Link did not want to be her husband, than she would not do him the pleasure of granting him knowledge of her existence. In order to do this, she and Samus decided to fake the queen's death. While she escaped to Tallon IV, all of Hyrule would be in mourning. Zelda was saddened by this, but it was high time she started looking out for herself as opposed to the kingdom that was thrust upon her. She never asked to be their monarch.  
"Alright, you can look again," Zelda said to the mercenary as she zipped up the skin-tight suit. Snake nodded, and went about his work.  
He decided that the best way to fake Zelda's death would be to set C-4 at three spots around the room: under her bed, behind the dresser, and in the rafters. There would also need to be proof that Zelda was once in the dress they were about to flatten, and in that light, after setting the explosives, he turned to the Hylian.  
"I need some of your blood," he said flatly, brandishing his knife.  
Zelda nodded again. "Alright." Holding out her hand, Snake gave it a swift prick, causing Zelda to squint briefly, and mopped up the wound with the dress. He then tossed the dress in the very center of the floor.  
"I doubt Link knows much about anatomy. If he did, we'd need some bone fragments...and some brain matter as well. However, I think blood ought to do it," the soldier stated. "Ready, Zelda?" He quickly rushed to the window, gripping the tight cord which he'd climbed to get there. Zelda soon followed, her arms and legs entwining Snake in the least suggestive way the queen could muster. She didn't want to give Snake any ideas. She'd heard Samus's stories.  
Snake tapped his Codec once more.  
"Extraction beginning."  
Zelda tapped Snake's shoulder. "And Snake...tell her I love her."  
Snake rolled his eyes. Was now really the time?  
"Samus...Zelda says she--"  
"I love you too, Zelda," came the reply. Samus figured now would be the time that Zelda would say that. She'd done a lot of observing during the Subspace fiasco. She knew how Zelda operated. It was so cute how she'd display her emotions at moments that many (like Snake) would consider inopportune.  
"Good news, she still loves you." Snake sighed, then rappled down the wall of the castle. Upon reaching the ground, he let Zelda down and pointed towards the forest.  
"Meet me there in five minutes. As to how you get there, I leave it to you. When I see you, I'll detonate the explosives. Hurry, though. Link will probably be done cooking your dinner soon."  
Zelda nodded wordlessly and closed her eyes, utilizing her god-given magical prowess to assume the form of Sheik once again. Without even waiting for Snake's approval, she dashed at top speed in the forest's direction. At that rate, she'd be there in less than two minutes. Snake, having no magical power of any kind, preferred to use a bit more discretion.  
Triggering his camouflage, he moved quickly and quietly, watching the silhouette of Sheik disappear into the night.

The Subspace portal stood before the masked Sheik, and her eyes softened, remembering the day that Samus had saved her from herself by blasting a hungry Octorok to pieces. She sat in front of it, locked deep in meditation. Meanwhile, Samus relaxed slightly in the cockpit of her ship, her face locked on a screen in front of her. She grew listless during the five minutes she spent waiting for Snake to inform her of the mission's completion, and so she spent five minutes remembering her first and only encounter with Roy, the swordsman who'd eventually bed her lover's husband.

Samus was alone, running through the fluffy clouds of Skyworld on a search for a trophy of one of the Subspace Army's soldiers, the Shellpod. Sure, she could attempt to locate a trophy stand, but it would be easier, she thought, to raid various places she thought might be archives.

Upon reaching a small building she thought to be a temple, Samus quickly entered and discovered that trophies were indeed there, but they were being stuffed into a sack by a short, skinny boy with fiery red hair. He quickly noticed Samus's presence and turned, grimacing at her.  
"I know you..." he growled, tightening the grip on his broadsword. "You're that _woman _from another time who believes you're superior to us, just because you have more _weapons._" The way he placed emphasis on the word 'woman' made Samus believe he was probably a misogynist.  
"Whoever told you that is a liar. I don't consider myself superior to you or anyone else." Samus's eyes narrowed behind her Combat Visor. This boy was already starting to piss her off.  
"Bullshit," he spat, his eyes narrowing to match Samus's, even though he couldn't see them. "You women are all alike. You're trying to take over, but none of you realize that this is a _man's world."_  
"You can stop right there." Samus was fed up. She'd heard enough of this chauvanistic bullshit while she was in Federation employ. She didn't need to hear it again, and in that light, she pointed her Arm Cannon right between the boy's eyes.  
"I'm going to count to ten. If a Shellpod trophy isn't in my hand when I say ten, your head will be. Is your objective clear?"

The boy growled, then reached into the sack and dropped the trophy Samus had requested right at her feet.  
"Take it and get lost," he said quietly, grudgingly. "This isn't over, though, so don't believe for a moment that you've bested me, wench. You will feel the sting of my blade, and you will know the name of Roy."  
Samus snorted, taking the trophy and turning her back.  
"Until then," she stated flatly, "you're just another stupid little boy to me."  
And with that, she was gone.

"Zelda."  
Sheik turned, looking Snake straight in the eye as he met her at the Subspace portal.  
"Are you ready for this?" the scruffy man asked, readying the explosives. The only response he got was a nod, and so he flipped the switch.  
Even from that far away, an earth-shattering BOOM! could be heard. That...and the scream of a husband who'd just lost the wife he didn't deserve.  
Discarding her disguise and reverting to her true self, Zelda nodded to Snake. "Thank you for this..."  
"No thanks needed," Snake responded quickly. "During the war I would worry a lot about Samus. She was a little too obsessed with her duties as a hunter. But now, because of you, Zelda...I don't worry about Samus anymore. I know now that she won't suffer the same fate that's made such a cold-hearted person out of me."  
Zelda smiled warmly. "I'm glad I could help you, Snake. Now...we should get back to Tallon IV."  
Tapping his Codec once, Snake grinned slightly.  
"Samus...mission accomplished."

Upon walking through the portal, Zelda was greeted by a quick, powerful embrace. Samus almost tackled the poor queen, lifting her into the air and spinning around, a show of happiness that was new to them all, especially the Hunter herself.  
"Oh, Zelda...oh, Zelda..." she repeated endlessly, holding Zelda as tightly as she could.  
Zelda kissed Samus once, very lightly, then turned to once again thank their accomplice.  
"Thank you aga--"  
Samus turned to the portal, seeing that Snake had never walked through it.  
"He never much liked the limelight..." the warrioress noted. "He knows that you're grateful though...I'm sure."  
Zelda giggled, burying her head in Samus's shoulder.  
"No one will be looking for me after that. I really did go out with a bang."

Samus sat on the rich grass of Tallon IV's overworld, rocking back and forth with her love in her arms. After a moment, she finally spoke.  
"...Welcome home, Zelda."


	3. Honeymoon's Over

Disclaimer: Still don't own Super Smash Brothers or any of its subsidiary licenses. Fuck you guys. Fuck all y'all.

When people thought of Queen Zelda, they usually thought of a regal, pristine woman who had a fondness for wearing elaborate gowns. Pff. If those people could only see her now.  
The former royal was currently clad in skin-tight Kevlar, and hoisting an enormous steel girder along with her lover, Samus Aran. The two had taken up residence on Tallon IV ever since Zelda had faked her death in an effort to escape Hyrule, and her cheating husband along with it. Their new home, they decided, would be the ruins of the Space Pirate frigate that the godforsaken conquerers had dubbed "Orpheon." Samus and Zelda had already finished crafting their bedroom using raw materials that they found both in the frigate and on Samus's ship. Now, they were attempting to repair a staircase that had been twisted beyond use during the frigate's crash on Tallon IV, and they were just...about...done.  
"Nn...gah!" Samus grunted, finally seeing the crude staircase finished and wiping sweat from her brow. "And I'm spent."  
Zelda concurred wordlessly. Her response came in the form of her hand clasping around Samus's, and her lips gently brushing against the warrior's cheek. This made Samus smile, then chuckle.  
"You wanna take a little break, love?" she asked, returning Zelda's grip on her hand and keeping it nice and tight. "Let's lay down. Our bed's brand new...why not break it in?"  
Zelda blushed deeply at this, but nodded and quickly walked to the bed, as it was mere feet from them. "That's the best idea I've heard all day..." She laid her toned, slender body across the bed, beckoning to Samus sultrily with one finger. Samus was quick to respond, and she approached the bed and Zelda, laying on the former and wrapping her strong arms around the latter.  
"Your appearance is so deceiving, Zelda," she cooed, holding her lover close. "You look and feel so fragile, even though I know that you could destroy this entire frigate just by flicking your wrist."  
This made Zelda giggle a bit. "You're exaggerating, Samus...I couldn't do that."  
"Just take the compliment, princess," Samus replied snidely, leaning in and kissing Zelda's lips. She held the kiss, not permitting Zelda to respond, and she took this opportunity to grind her hips against Zelda's, making it very clear what it was she wanted. Zelda let out a little moan, and her hands travelled to Samus's back, deftly pulling the zipper on her Zero Suit down...down...right to the small of her back, and pulled it over her shoulders. Samus blushed a little as her breasts were exposed, and she gave a soft, sweet whimper as Zelda's hands pulled the Zero Suit down further. Within moments, Samus was completely naked, and it had all happened so fast that she was a bit taken aback by Zelda's boldness...but that wasn't to say she didn't love every split second of it. She returned Zelda's gesture, unzipping and peeling her own suit, which was pink, from her body. The two women spent a good minute doing nothing but passionately kiss one another, but that wouldn't keep Samus busy for long. She laid Zelda on her back and intertwined their legs. This would be different than the first time they'd made love. This would be a bit more pleasurable...and there would probably be more moaning.  
Zelda sat upright and met Samus there. The two wrapped their arms around each other and, within moments, their soft, dripping nether regions crashed together, an action that caused both women to cry out in pleasure.  
During their passionate, lustful exchange, time seemed to slow down. Samus could feel each tiny bead of sweat on her body, and every thrust of Zelda's hips sent her into a state of utter rapture. The sounds of the Hylian beauty's voice, moaning, whimpering, and calling out her name, made Samus want to do anything she could to meet or exceed her passion. The next ten minutes were littered with joyous cries of "Zelda! Zelda! Yes, Zelda!" and "Oh, Samus! More...faster...harder, Samus!" that were so profound and outright loud that the silence around them felt as if it never existed. When both women neared their respective peaks, they parted from their kiss and nodded to one another. This was it, then. This was their time of bliss.  
Rather than allow Zelda to scream, voicing her rapture to the sun and stars, Samus pulled her love's face to her own, kissing her roughly and allowing only herself to hear the tiny, stressed whimper as Zelda's fluids leaked out onto Samus's waiting thighs. Within mere seconds, Samus climaxed as well, but she wasn't the kind of woman that would give her nectar away from just one orgasm. She pulled back and gently kissed Zelda's forehead.  
"No one gets to hear that scream but me...understand?"

Zelda could only nod. She would have responded, but a soft "clank" of metal on metal interrupted her. She tipped her head up, then leaped to her feet and donned her Zero Suit again. "Did you hear that?" she asked, reaching for her sword.  
"Sure did." Samus gripped her emergency pistol tight in her hand, then pulled her suit on in mere seconds. Someone would pay dearly for interrupting their lovemaking session.

Footsteps grew ever closer. Zelda could feel her heart racing, wondering who in the world could possibly track them down here. She crossed her fingers behind her back and prayed to heaven it was only Snake. Her prayers, it turned out, would go unanswered.  
"Hello, Zelda," came the gender-neutral voice. "It's been a long time."  
Zelda gritted her teeth. The worst had happened. She'd been found out.  
"...Hello, Link."

Samus felt her fists clench. This was pretty much the mother of all buzzkills.  
"The hell are you doing here?" she barked.  
Link raised a hand. "Call me crazy, Zelda. Hell, call me whatever you want. I just want to know...that I realize I've made a mistake..." Link said calmly. Obviously, that line was rehearsed.

"...Mistake?! You made a MISTAKE?! Link, I walked into OUR room, the place where WE shared our 'former' love, and I find you...I find you...with ROY!?" She exclaimed, the tears welling her eyes as she remembered the hell she had been through. "I LOVED you, Link!!"

Link sighed, rubbing his temple. "As you know, Zelda, I'm attracted to men. That doesn't mean you still can't be my queen, and assist me in the government of Hyrule. Please...come back to me."  
Zelda's eyes burned with intense, earth-shattering hatred.  
"Link...I'm only going to say this once." She rose, pointing her blade at him.  
"I...am NOT...your queen."

Samus decided to give Link the old one-two. Pointing the stun gun directly at the Hero of Time, she cocked the trigger, the barrel making an ominous "whirrrrr" sound.  
"Link, you're a liar and a fraud," she hissed. "You have ten seconds to leave the premises, or very bad things will happen. Understand, boy?"  
Link's face twisted into a godawful grimace. Without Zelda as his wife, Link couldn't reign supreme over Hyrule. He wouldn't lose his sovreignty to ANYONE, least of all Samus Aran.  
"Give me my wife back," he spat. "I'll burn in hell before I let you make her part of her collection, you bounty hunter scum."

This was the last straw for Zelda. Had Samus not gripped her wrist, she would have fought Link right then and there. She struggled against her lover, screeching "Take that back, you bastard! TAKE THAT BACK!"  
Samus quickly pulled Zelda to her, gripping her tightly in her arms. Link was enraged by this, and he drew his bow, growling with hate.  
"Give my wife back, wench!" he shouted. Samus was quick to respond.  
"If you want her...then take her," she said softly, releasing Zelda.  
"However," the hunter warned, stepping backward. "I doubt that you can."  
Zelda was much calmer. She knew what she had to do. She would duel Link...and she would win.  
"Outside, Link. NOW."

The two met on the battlefield, a stretch of plain on which Samus had landed many years prior.

"You're coming home with me, Zelda..."

"...Never."

Samus watched very closely. She wouldn't allow Link to take Zelda anywhere, but she also didn't want to interfere. She stayed in the cave, lest she impugn Zelda's honor.

Link, and pulled out his signature weapon, the Master Sword, after discarding his bow and arrows. "Zelda, you're a fool. I've killed many, many things with this sword...you're not going to be one of them, but I'm not afraid to make you submit through pain...

"Ah...so you think, and yet, here we are..." Zelda spoke bitterly.

The two began, the clashing of metals ringing throughout the surrounding area.

Samus kept her hand clenched tightly around the doorway of the cave where she'd found her Space Jump Boots on her first mission here, but upon hearing a clank from behind her, she turned to find that Link had requested backup.

"...You should never have come here, Roy."

The duel continued between Zelda and Link, the pair clashing with no injuries taken yet. Roy, however, smirked and held his sword straight at Samus' throat.

"Now...be a good girl...and don't move..."

"Kiss my ass."

Samus fired a single bolt right at Roy's feet. It burst immediately, and Roy was paralyzed by it. Roy imediately cursed, the bolt's blast rippling through him. "No, no!!" He scowled angrily, knowing Samus was about to devastate him.

She stomped her foot on the ground once for dramatic emphasis. "You're mine, Roy." She sidestepped backward to build momentum, then thrust forward with a devastating heel kick to Roy's jaw. Roy seemed to fall like a sack of bricks from the blow, his body sprawled over the ground as he laid unconcious, still alive, but out cold, and would be for quite some time.

Outside, the battle had shifted in Link's favor, and Zelda began to give up hope. Link had already cut her several times across the shoulders, stomach, and arms. However, she noticed one single weak point...Link never fought with a ring on his finger before...and this ring was their old wedding ring.His sword hand was not his usual form, and Zelda knew it would help. Her blade came down across his hand, and a scream of pain filled the air. The gruelling battle ended, and Zelda, queen of Tallon IV, claimed victory.

Link gripped his hand in sheer agony, the finger with Zelda's wedding ring on it laid upon the grassy ground. Zelda knew this was an awkward time, but with one kick to the stomach, Link was out for the count. She took the ring off Link's finger, and cleaned it in the same pool where she'd first made love to Samus. Returning to her love, Zelda smiled. "Thank you for letting me fight my own fight...now...I have one last thing to do." Kneeling in front of Samus, Zelda blushed and held her hand, putting the ring upon the appropriate finger. "Samus Aran...will you marry me?"

Samus felt her heart melt as the wedding ring slid upon her finger. She gazed into the eyes of the woman she loved more than anything in this world or any other, and could only say one word.

"...Yes..."


	4. Wedding Day

Disclaimer: If I owned Super Smash Brothers, I'd be posting this on . Is this ?

_Music played, and people sang..._

The tall, gaunt figure of Samus Aran stood atop of a makeshift altar that had been constructed by her closest friends and allies. The altar stood in a huge, open plain upon which Samus had landed many years ago: the overworld of Tallon IV. It was abnormal to see the grand Hunter wearing anything other than her notorious Power Suit, but today, she was clad in a simple yet elegant red dress. The small procession of beings that had gathered to see this momentous event knew they would probably never catch a glimpse of Samus in a dress for the rest of their lives, but they thought nothing of it. Today was special. Today was Samus Aran's wedding day.

_Just for me, the church bells rang..._

Bells provided by Princess Peach of the Mushroom Kingdom tolled happily, having been hoisted above a waterfall. As this happened, the diminuitive pastor who stood in front of Samus removed his trademark red cap and donned the black ceremonial robes. Mario was a man of many professions. He'd been a professional athlete, a national hero, and a world-renowed doctor, but it was the little odd jobs, where he got to be a bit more personal, that made him the very happiest. When he'd been approached by Samus and asked to marry her to the love of her life, he'd leaped at the chance. Making people happy was just...what he did. He never stopped to think about why. It was his destiny...and speaking of destiny, Mario grinned as Samus's destiny came stepping gracefully down the aisle.

Samus turned and she felt her jaw slack in awe. Zelda, formerly the queen of Hyrule and now Samus's bride, stepped between the rows of chairs, a shy smile on her face and a gorgeous white dress covering her lithe body. The dress was form-fitting in the torso, cut off just above Zelda's modest breasts, and flowed like pure water into a billowing skirt that whipped around her small legs in the afternoon wind. She tilted her head up and peered through her veil at the six people whom the two had chosen to represent them at their wedding. Samus's ushers consisted of the well-dressed and vertically challenged Fox McCloud, the contrastingly tall and equally tuxedoed Douglas Jay Falcon, and her best man(and the only one not wearing formal clothing), Solid Snake, who attended the wedding in his Sneaking Suit for the simple reason that it was the most expensive garment he owned. On the other side, now joined by Zelda, were a tiny young angel called Pit, a startlingly feminine prince named Marth, and Zelda's best friend before meeting Samus: Peach, the princess of the Mushroom Kingdom. Peach had claimed that her husband had dropped her off on Tallon IV courtesy of a Subspace portal. This shocked and appalled the wedding party, as no one who attended had known that Peach was married at all. Due to Mario's presence, it was safe to assume that he was _not _Peach's husband, nor was he upset by this fact. That being so, the question remained...who? However, that was a question for another time.  
The only people who attended the wedding were people(or creatures) who knew Samus, Zelda, or both very, very well, and as such, the procession was limited. The front row consisted of Roy Campbell and Hal Emmerich(also known as Otacon). Diddy Kong and Donkey Kong made up the second row, and the two-by-two continued with Falco Lombardi, Sonic The Hedgehog, Mei Ling, and R.O.B., the Master Robot and the last of his kind. There was utter silence between the tiny audience as Mario cleared his throat. He removed his cap, then began to speak.  
"Dearly beloved, we are gathered-ah here to bear witness to the union of Samus Aran and Zelda in the bonds of-ah holy matrimony." His thick Italian accent was apparent, but not frightfully so. "I could go on and on for days about the reasons behind this marriage being simply fate and destiny, and that it was a matter of when, not if, but I think-ah that everyone here knows the story. In that-ah light, I think it's-ah safe to just skip-ah that part and bring out the rings, yes?"  
The audience and wedding party murmured their consent, and Mario whistled loudly to introduce the ringbearer. Samus was curious. The ringbearer's identity was kept secret to her. Whenever she had asked Zelda about it, the response was merely "I'm not telling!" followed by wild giggling. When the soft sound of four tiny paws on the grass was heard, and the ringbearer's tiny visage hopped into view, however, Samus felt her eyes fill with tears. There, hobbling towards them with a pillow on its head, was a tiny yellow creature with whom Samus shared a deep, deep bond.  
"...Pikachu!" she breathed.

Two gorgeous golden bands, each of which was labeled with a unique emblem that consisted of the sign of the Triforce bordering Samus's infamous Screw Attack, sat on the pillow, which Pikachu stood on its tail to offer to Samus. Rather than simply take the pillow, Samus lifted Pikachu into her arms, where it nestled into her chest, and the hunter simply took the rings into her hand and let the pillow slide to the ground, where it was quickly snapped up by the clean-freak Peach and held under her arm.  
"Samus," Mario said sternly as Samus slid the ring onto Zelda's waiting finger, "do you take this woman to be your wife, through sickness and in-ah health, to have and to hold, Power Suit, Gravity Suit, Zero Suit, or birthday suit, for as long as you both shall live?"  
As Pikachu migrated to her shoulder, Samus nodded, her lips graced with a tiny, tiny smile. "I do."  
"And you, Zelda," Mario continued as Samus held out her hand, "do you take Samus to be _your _wife, to eat Octoroks, bomb Dodongos, and wonder what that old Ganon is up to for as long as you both shall live?"  
Zelda giggled a bit and gently slipped Samus's finger into the ring. "I do."  
"Then," Mario concluded, "by the power invested in me by...myself...I now pronounce you lady and wife." He redonned his cap and removed the robe, his familiar overalls now visible. He then winked at Samus with a sly grin.  
"You know what to do next, eh?"  
Immediately lifting Zelda's veil, Samus pounced upon her lover, and the two shared the deepest, most passionate kiss that any of them had ever seen. As if on cue, Snake pulled the pin out of a grenade and tossed it high into the air. Fox then readied his pistol and shot the live explosive. It burst ceremoniously, and as the flame lit up the afternoon sky, Captain Falcon was the first to voice his satisfaction.  
"YES!"

The tiny audience burst into applause and cheers as Samus and Zelda's kiss deepened. When they finally separated, they both took a small bow, then Samus simply lifted her wife into her arms and led the audience to a small reception that Marth and Peach had catered in tandem.

The day carried on as any wedding and reception would, with various people engaging in friendly banter. As it all drew to a close, and various guests left at various times, the sun began to set upon the only people left at the party: Samus, Zelda, Pikachu(who had apparently decided to move in with the newlyweds), Mario, Peach, and Marth. The six sat around a fire that Zelda had made, and the conversation carried on with no signs of halting.

"So, Peach," Samus said, knowing she was treading into dangerous waters, "when are we gonna find out who this husband of yours is?"  
Peach blanched. "Oh yes...I did promise I'd tell you, didn't I?"  
"It's not Mario, is it?" Marth asked, raising an eyebrow. This made Mario spit out the coffee he was drinking and burst into laughter.  
"Are you outta your mind? Me? Of all-ah people?" He wiped the coffee from his mustache as Peach allowed herself to laugh as well. "No, no, Marth," she said kindly. "It's not Mario, it's...it's actually..."  
"PEACH!" a huge, growling voice roared. "HONEY! ARE YOU HERE?"

Samus's jaw slacked, and Zelda's eyes widened to the size of dinner plates. Upon seeing the true identity of Peach's mysterious husband, the hunter was the first to comment.  
"No...fuckin'...way."

Stomping toward the six friends came the huge, hulking figure of Bowser, the infamous fire-breathing warlord who, on the surface, had long opposed the Mushroom Kingdom. Peach ran to him, and the two shared a rather comically awkward hug due to the ridiculous size difference.  
"You're late, sweetie!" she cooed. "Did you get lost again?"  
"Well, this place ain't exactly easy to find, you know?" he responded, snorting in mock frustration. "I had to ride my Klown Kar and that thing is HELL to fit into a Subspace portal." He gave a nod to the remaining wedding participants, in particular the man who, apparently, was not the sworn enemy that he appeared to the public to be.  
"W'sup, Mario."

"You really oughta getchaself a map drawn, Bowser," came the reply, to which Bowser threw up his middle finger.

The remaining three humans were still far too shocked to speak, but Marth was the first to break out of the stupor.  
"Are you guys going to...I don't know...tell us what the hell is going on?!"

"Eh? Oh, yeah, you guys don't know, huh?" Bowser said, sitting in the spot that Peach had formerly occupied and sitting his wife in his gargantuan lap. "Well, it's a long story, but we met when the Koopa Empire was a lot stronger, and we were negotiating trade with the Mushroom Kingdom."  
"The commerce didn't work out, though," Peach continued, "because the citizens of my kingdom are rather childish and didn't want to have any sort of alliace with a nation as warlike as Bowser's. By that time, a year or so had passed, and we were already lovers, but due to the poor international relations, we couldn't see each other for fear of our reputations as leaders being ruined. But my Bowser..." she said dreamily, leaning into her love's chest, "he's a genius. He came up with the best plan ever. He would declare war on the Mushroom Kingdom, and as his first act, he would 'kidnap' me."  
Samus was absolutely dumbfounded. "That...that's actually a pretty airtight plan. So how does Mario fit in?"  
"Well," Mario said, picking up where Peach left off, "Bowser couldn't keep Peach forever. She did and does have a kingdom to run. But he couldn't-ah just GIVE her back to them. That would sacrifice his reputation as-ah well. So he contacted me, and asked me to 'rescue' the 'kidnapped' princess and make it look like I roughed him up a little. It was a pretty cushy deal he was offering...beat the tar outta my arrangements back then."  
"So you two are actually friends?" Zelda asked, still confused.  
"Oh yeah, we go waaaaaaaay the fuck back." Bowser chuckled. "Mario was born in the Koopa Kingdom. We went to school together for like...what was it, twelve years?"  
"Thirteen," Mario corrected. "It was thirteen years, K through twelve."

"The two kingdoms aren't in on this, are they?" Marth queried.  
"Not for the most part," Bowser replied. "My closest minions know of it, like Magikoopa and stuff, but none of Peach's consorts know shit about this. They'd flip their lids if they knew."  
Oddly enough, the conversation from there onward seemed to shift, and until around midnight, the seven stayed around that same fire, talking of various things. When the time came, Peach, Bowser, and Mario all departed back for their respective residences, and the only remaining guest was Marth, who had something on his mind.  
"May...I talk to you two about something rather profound?" he asked of the newlyweds, to which both nodded.  
"I heard of what happened between Link, Roy, and the two of you. I had suspected for a long time that Roy was having an affair, but...with Link?"  
Samus raised an eyebrow. "Roy's secretly married too? Who's the wife?"  
Marth hung his head. "Roy...has a husband..."

Zelda approached Marth slowly. "Marth...you?"  
"Me." Marth sighed sadly. "But he's been abusive lately...he hits me and demeans me in ways you couldn't even imagine. I would leave him, but my hands are tied. The laws of Roy's kingdom prohibit divorce without just cause, and I don't have outright proof of his relationship with Link. The only reason I'm bringing this up is...I...I think I need to stay away from him for a little while. Would you two mind if I found a place on Tallon IV to call home for a few days...or a month or so?"  
Samus shook her head. "Our home is your home, Marth, but I think that you should take action."  
Marth looked at her, puzzled. "Action?"  
The hunter nodded, and her eyes narrowed maliciously.  
"...Revenge."

_To be continued..._


	5. Interlude with King Dedede

Disclaimer: Super Smash Bros. was created by Masahiro Sakurai. The Legend of Zelda was created by Shigeru Miyamoto. My name is Maria Angseth. This work is mine. The aforementioned two are not.

Author's Note: Be forewarned. The following chapter of "The Destiny of Zelda and Samus" has absolutely nothing to do with the plot of the story. It is a pointless interlude which is designed to increase anticipation and suspense brought on by the climax of the previous chapter, while at the same time using humor to relieve tension. This chapter also contains very blatant and heavy drug use. If you don't think stoners are cool, then go away. Now. Because stoners are, in fact, very cool. I'm not a stoner, but they're still awesome.

"Dude...dude, I can see my hands."  
"Aw man, you are totally wasted. Pass the Pringles."

This was just a sample of the dialogue that seemed to stream endlessly from the mouths of two very intoxicated creatures who sat in the center of a massive throne room, surrounding a magically spawned campfire. The two creatures visually contrasted each other, a fact which they often brought up. Every time, they would both burst into hysterical laughter. Maybe it was the marijuana that caused this, maybe not.

"Ike...Ike, I swear to god I'm freakin' the fuck OUT, man!"

...Yeah, no, it was definitely the pot.

The staunch mercenary named Ike had travelled to Dream Land, because he was told that its king, the obese waterfowl called Dedede, had offered a large reward for an undisclosed target. However, Dedede had been high when he'd issued that statement, and Ike was quite disappointed that he had traversed such perilous lands for nothing...that is, until Dedede offered him a puff of his joint.

Now the two were seated around a campfire that Dedede had built, and they showed no signs of going anywhere. Empty cans of Pringles littered the room, as did various gargantuan pillows. On occasion, Dedede would climb to one of the higher points of his throne room and swan dive onto the pillows, and Ike would smirk, then chuckle, then burst out laughing. Now, apparently, was one of those occasions.

Perching atop his huge throne and readying himself, Dedede took a moment to pose triumphantly. He raised his hands, curled them into thumbs-ups, then pointed at himself three times.  
"I am DE...DE...DE!" he crowed, then leaped from his throne, all limbs extended, flopping onto the pillow with a "frump!" sound.

Ike cracked a smile, then laughed hysterically. "Aw dude, you got so much air that time dude. Serious...seriously dude. Seriously."

Dedede did not move. Ike sluggishly rose to his feet and approached his new friend, tapping him on his massive shoulder.  
"Dude? Dude, you okay dude?"

Dedede did not speak, but his hand rose into the air and clenched in a tight thumbs-up. Ike once again laughed.  
"Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude."


	6. Operation Skin the Wolf: Part 1 of 2

Disclaimer: You guys know the drill by now. Smash isn't mine. I didn't make Smash, just this story. You guys suck.

"Samus, this is Snake. I need to see you and everyone who's with you in the briefing hall of Orpheon immediately."

Samus's head perked. "Fox...Falco, Pit, Kong, all of you with me."

Samus had been very serious when she spoke of revenge to a heartbroken Marth. Since then, he'd lived in a small treehouse on Tallon IV, with Zelda usually there to console him. She'd attempted to gather an elite task force, but at the moment, only Fox McCloud, Falco Lombardi, Pit(who leaped at the chance to assist not Samus, but Marth), and the intimidating yet very friendly Donkey Kong answered the call. Others, she was sure, would soon follow.

As the five of them sped towards the ruins of Frigate Orpheon, Snake sat inside, waiting. His hand was pressed against his ear.  
"And so you're _sure _that the four of them work for Link now?" he growled.  
"Without a doubt, Snake!" came Otacon's perky, boyish reply. "I saw it happen with my own two eyes!"

"Remind me never to ask you why you spend so much time sneaking around god knows where," Snake sighed, then switched his Codec off as Samus, Fox, Falco, Pit, and Donkey Kong entered the room.

"I called the five of you here to inform you that Link has enlisted the aid of a group of mercenaries from the Lylat System," he said curtly. At this, both Falco and Fox gasped.  
"Star Wolf?!" Fox was the first to speak, and Snake nodded.

"Wolf O'Donnell, Panther Caroso, Leon Powalski, and Krystal have accepted the contract. My sources inform me that they're here on Tallon IV as we speak." he informed them. "I want each of you to take one of them...by each of you, I mean each of you except Samus. She needs to stay on intel for now, so each of you choose your marks."  
"Wolf is mine," Fox said right away. Falco was close behind him with "Leave Krystal to me."

Donkey Kong and Pit looked at each other. Both shrugged.  
"You want flip coin?" the ape asked.  
"Sure. Do you have one?" Pit asked in return.  
To this, the brawny primate hung his head in shame. "Donkey no have pockets...no coins to put in pockets either..."

Snake placed his face in his palm. This was Samus's elite task force? Fox and Falco he understood, but...a little boy and a gorilla?

"Dammit, just...Pit, you take Leon. Donkey Kong, you take Panther. Understood?"  
Pit nodded. "Yes, sir!" Kong simply gave a thumbs up.

For a moment, all six of them just stood there. After that moment, Samus slammed her gloved fist onto a broken computer.  
"MOVE OUT! ALL OF YOU!" she shrilled. At that, Fox and Falco leaped from the broken window to the plains below. Pit and Donkey Kong turned to leave in opposite directions, crashed into one another, then fell on their rumps, rose, and left in a rush. Samus shook her head. "I expected Pit to be clumsy, but not THAT clumsy," she mused. Snake nodded as he lit up a cigarette. "It wasn't even Kong's fault. For an ape, he seems pretty intelligent."  
"If the four of them were to get into a brawl, Donkey Kong would emerge victorious," Samus stated. "He has the physical advantage, along with his instincts which have proven deadly."

"How deadly?" Snake inquired. Samus turned to him and uttered one name that would cement Snake's respect for the ape.  
"MacGyver."

OBJECTIVE 1: ELIMINATE KRYSTAL

The Hive Totem was dark, musty, and humid. It made Krystal's fur slick with sweat and condensation, which in turn made the second traitor of Star Fox extremly ornery. Patrolling this atrium wasn't difficult, per se, but it was annoyingly uncomfortable.  
Pacing back and forth, rocket launcher over her shoulder, she was ready to blow away any of the morons who had made the mistake of working for Samus Aran. She was primed, pumped, and pissed. No one could stop Krystal now.

PING!

...Oop, never mind.

A thin, accurate bullet pierced the flesh, skull, and brain of Panther Caroso's main squeeze. Blood and grey matter squirted from the tiny, symmetrical wound and splattered onto the stone below. Krystal was dead before she hit the floor.  
From an immense stone gargoyle, Falco reloaded the long sniper rifle he'd just fired. His face was stern and bitter.  
"Objective complete."

OBJECTIVE 2: ELIMINATE WOLF O'DONNELL

"Krystal? Krystal, come in."  
Wolf gritted his teeth. Static, then silence. Panther would be crying for days, but that wouldn't open up a portal to some alternate reality where Wolf gave a shit about that whore being dead.  
Wolf had never liked Krystal. He didn't like Fox McCloud, either, but he had a sense of honor...and what she did was about as honorable as killing a baby for candy. Mercenary and all-around bad guy though he was, Wolf had a certain degree of respect for McCloud, what he did, and what he stood for. However...business was business. He knew that if Krystal was dead, then she was killed by a professional, and that there would be more to come for the rest of Star Wolf. O'Donnell also knew it would be Fox who approached him. He was not disappointed.  
"WOLF!" Fox roared from across the wide Tallon Canyon. The gruff, wartorn merc turned to face his greatest rival. Fox was spirited, if nothing else.  
"Hi there," he replied, his smirk condescending and cruel. "How's life treatin' ya, Fox?"  
Fox gritted his teeth. "I've been waiting for years upon years to finish the fight my father started, Wolf. It ends today."  
"Well, then, it looks like all this drama and carnage is finally payin' off. I killed the father and now junior's back for his." Wolf drew his pistol, running his hand along the small makeshift bayonet. "You might wanna ask yourself, Fox...are you ready to die?"  
"I've been ready to die since the day you murdered my father, you slime," Fox spat. The fur on his tail bristled with anger. "If I die, then you're going right down with me. I'm going to kill you today, Wolf."  
Wolf chuckled a bit, watching as Fox produced his own weapon. His response was short, and one that he used often, but the battle was about to begin. Reminiscence seemed proper.  
"I can't let you do that, Star Fox!"  
Both warriors dashed forward, firing and dodging shots in a twisted and deadly laser-light show. Upon reaching each other, Fox was met with a powerful kick to his jaw, which sent him packing. Wolf followed his attack up with a grenade. Fox, thankfully, was quick enough to leap up and activate his reflector. The grenade bounced back towards Wolf, who kicked it sky-high. Shrapnel rained down upon the two, and Fox took the opportunity to close the distance between Wolf and himself. He pounced upon his enemy, and just as soon as the battle had begun...it was over. A gun barrel was pressed tightly against Wolf's forehead, and the force of Fox's tackle had knocked his weapon out of his hand. Wolf surveyed his surroundings, then sighed. In a way, he'd seen this coming, and he knew that he deserved it. He laid back, and his eyes shut peacefully.  
"It's over," he said quietly. "Finish me, Fox. Finish what your father began. I hate to admit it...but I'm glad to see that you're stronger than he was."  
Fox let out a breath, savoring the moment. "No one could be stronger than James McCloud was," he quipped. "Over the years, Wolf, you've gotten sloppy. It's better your life end in a blaze of glory than to fade away into nothingness. People will remember you now."  
Wolf nodded. "I agree...now stop talking and shoot me, goddammit."

BANG.

The shot seemed louder than any Fox had fired before. Rather than blow Wolf's head to pieces, he had delivered his blast right to the mercenary's wicked heart. Standing up, Fox retrieved Wolf's gun and placed it on his chest, then folded the dead warrior's hands over it.  
"Well, played, worthy adversary...well played."


	7. Operation Skin the Wolf: Part 2 of 2

Disclaimer: Screw you guys. You know by now that I didn't invent jack squat, especially not Super Smash Brothers.

**OBJECTIVE 3: ELIMINATE PANTHER CAROSO**

"Base to Unit 3. Come in, Unit 3," Samus said firmly. "Kong, can you hear me?"

"Donkey hear Samoose," the ape grunted, making use of his limited capacity for speech. "Donkey not find cat man yet."

"I'm getting an abnormal life reading in the arboretum. It's due east."  
"East?" Stopping in his tracks, Donkey Kong looked to his left, then to his right, then spun in circles, clearly very confused. "Which way east?"

Samus placed a hand on her forehead. She was starting to doubt the reputability of her decision to send a gorilla on a reconnaissance mission. "There should be a door directly to your left, Donkey Kong. Go through it. I'll walk you to your destination."

Donkey seemed to at least understand that. Walking on his knuckles to the door, he punched it once, and it slid open.  
"Now what Donkey do?" he asked.

"Keep going until you reach another door in front of you, and be careful. Panther is in that room. I'm not sure where. When you've killed him, come back to the frigate. Samus out." Shutting off her communicator, Samus let out a long sigh.

"Can he do it?" asked Snake as he lit up another cigarette.

"Oh, he can certainly do it. The moment I saw Panther patrolling the arboretum I knew he was fucked." Samus reached out with her hand. "Give me a puff of that. I need to relax."

Panther was, just like Krystal before him, very, very bored. Why Wolf had asked him to patrol what was essentially a greenhouse was beyond him. He did as he was told, but hell if he knew what he was supposed to be looking for. A nap sure sounded nice, though. Since Wolf wasn't using his communicator, apparently, Panther decided to sit on a bridge, listen to the sounds of the local fauna, and let them lull him to sleep.

His dreams were unusual. He dreamed that a strike force was assembled against Star Wolf. His comrades all fell in battle, and Panther was powerless to stop them. He watched Wolf die, watched Leon die...and Krystal...

A knife was at Krystal's throat, and the foxgirl begged and pleaded for mercy as tears streamed down her beautiful face. Her assailant was invisible, but Panther could make out a hand...or was it a paw? Who was that spilling the blood of his beloved? Who was that whose heart-shattering laughter rang in Panther's ears? As Krystal's dead body fell to the invisible floor in a pool of shining blood, her killer stepped into the light. Panther fell to his knees, screaming his agony to the heavens and swearing vengeance on Fox McCloud.

"What's that you said?" Fox taunted. "You want revenge? Well, look behind you!"

Panther stood, confused out of his mind by Fox's statement. Despite his better judgement, he turned around, doing as Fox had said. As he was suddenly awakened by a sharp kick to the face, he laid his confusion to rest. Dreams weren't supposed to make sense, he decided, as his body plummeted into the water below in what seemed to be super-slow motion. It wasn't until he felt the icy water soak his fur right down to the skin that he realized what was going on. He was awake. Something had knocked him into the water, but...what?

Rising up to a standing position, Panther looked up to the place where he'd slept. Nothing.  
"What in the--UNF!" He cried out in pain as that same kick struck his head again. Once more he plummeted into the water, and once again he rose to find nothing. Well past confusion now, Panther wasn't asking what was going on anymore. He just wanted it to stop. He was done pondering. Panther Caroso was PISSED.

"Alright, coward!" he roared into the ambient arboretum. "If all you can do is attack me when my back is turned, then run, you don't deserve to call yourself a warrior! Face me! Come out and face me, you....you spineless little rodent!"

Apparently, his assailant did not take kindly to being called a rodent, for just as Panther uttered that final insult, he felt his head enveloped by a rough, battle-worn hand that was roughly the size of his torso. The suave assassin was thrown into the air, then caught with that same gargantuan hand, which now crushed his midsection and made him gasp out for air. As Panther breathed his last breaths, he finally saw the being that sealed his demise. He spent his final moments alive face-to-face with the undisputed king of the jungle.

Throwing the cat's lifeless body into the water, Donkey Kong pounded his own chest with a mighty roar.

"DONKEY ALWAYS WINS!"

**OBJECTIVE 4: ELIMINATE LEON KOWALSKI**

Phendrana Drifts was not the kind of place you'd expect to see Pit. The little angel was used to sunny skies, fluffy clouds, and clear horizons. The windswept, snow-blanketed wasteland before him provided none of that. How was he supposed to take down a hyperintelligent chameleon that could presumably blend into the snow in front of him?

The only way Pit could see coming out of this alive was to fine-tune his ears. He wouldn't be able to see Leon...ever. All he could do was listen to the sounds of the snow. Sitting down cross-legged on the frigid, soft land, Pit closed his eyes and folded his hands on his lap. Time to show the world what his centuries of training had taught him.

"whooooooooooooooosh...." said the wind. Pit listened to nothing but the wind, tuning out all other noise, for at least thirty seconds. He then turned his audial attention elsewhere.

"shikka-shikka-shikka-shikka-shikka-shikka..." said the feet of the tiny tundra beetles on the ice. Again, Pit eliminated all noise other than that, then moved on.  
"frrrrrrrrrrsssssssshhhhhhhhhh...." said the water on the frigid banks. Pit's ears picked up that sound, then meshed the three together. The music of Phendrana Drifts spoke to him.  
"whoooooosh, shikka-shikka-shikka, frrrrrrrssshhh, shikka-shikka, frrrrrrrsh, whoooooooooosh, shikka, thunk!"

There! That thunk!  
Pit leaped to his feet and located the source of the thunk. Right by where Samus used to record her mission status...there! A ripple in the air!  
The angel boy aimed an arrow and fired it. A scream was heard, and Leon Powalski's armor failed him as he curled up on the tundra floor, blood pouring from the wound on his leg.  
"Do not kill me, monster!" he pleaded as the triumphant Pit approached him. "I beseech you, spare my life!"

Leon, apparently, had no idea that angels swore an oath never to take the lives of mortals. Pit never once intended to obey Samus and murder the reptilian assassin. Apprehension, however, was another story.

"You're gonna follow me," he said as sternly as he could. "And if you try to run away, I'll shoot you in the head and kill you. You got it?"

"Yes, yes! Of course! Ahhh..owww!" Leon stood with Pit's help, and the angel and his prisoner started back towards the Orpheon, where they would take up camp.

The trip from Phendrana Drifts to the crash site was uneventful. For fear of death, Leon adhered to Pit, often literally, and Pit said nothing, trying his best to be menacing, but probably coming off to anyone who he hadn't shot as simply adorable. Upon his return, Pit was greeted with a clap on the back from the triumphant Donkey Kong, who held Leon in a vice grip with his mammoth hands.

Donkey Kong and Pit entered the main chamber, where Samus turned to look at them and their prize.  
"He is alive? I told you to kill him."  
"The problem with that," Snake said, rising to his feet and taking a long drag on his cigarette, "is that angels swear an oath to never kill a mortal. However, what Pit did was perfect." A homicidal gleam could be seen in the eyes of the soldier.  
"I've always wanted to try my hand at.....interrigation."

TO BE CONTINUED

Author's Note: I know this took a while, and it was somewhat anticlimactic. However, this was less of a HUGE STORY ELEMENT and more an introduction of four characters who would play heavily into the story(Pit, Fox, Falco, and Donkey Kong) and what they're capable of doing. Pit in particular will be pretty important, so stay tuned, everyone!


	8. Everyone Cracks

Disclaimer: I'm back, bitches, but I still don't own Super Smash Brothers.

Leon's eyes slowly slid open. Immediately, he knew what was going on. He'd been bound to a chair. Just above him was a single bright light. In front of him, he could see nothing. Leon had done this before...he was being interrogated.

Suddenly, a hand clasped around the chameleon's throat. Leon gasped for breath, but his mouth was held shut by what he figured was his captor's other hand.

"Wake up," Snake growled. "You have information, and I want it. Either you're going to give me that information, or you're going to die. Understood?"  
Leon had the endurance of a schoolgirl, but he was also a very proud man. He opened his lips as much as he could and spat visciously onto Snake's hand. He'd seen boy scouts like this guy before. All talk and no walk...wait, why'd he let go of Leon's head? What was he doing?

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! MY LEG! MY DAMN LEG!"

...Well, okay. Maybe this guy was a little walk.

Snake looked up from the leg he'd just snapped in half. "You ready to talk?" he hissed.

"Never, scum!" came the tearful response.

"I don't fucking have time for this," the soldier said angrily. "There are no rules here, Powalski. No laws to hold me back. If I were working for Roy Campbell right now, I wouldn't have been allowed to do what I just did. But I'm not working for him. I'm working for Samus Aran, and lemme tell you...she's one angry bitch." He took Leon's foot in his hands and deftly twisted it. The sound of the assassin's ankle breaking echoed throughout the room, as did Leon's cries of pain.

"I know who you're working for, too," Snake continued. "What I don't know is where I can find him. So I'm only gonna ask you this so many times...where is Link?"

"You'll never hear anything from me!" Leon persisted. Snake responded by jamming a knife into the chameleon's thigh. More screaming. Big surprise there.

"Where's Link?" Snake asked again. Leon spat directly into his face, which doused his cigarette. Snake simply stayed still for a moment, then rose to his feet, disposed of the saliva-coated cigarette butt, produced and lit another, took a long drag, and exhaled.  
"I love how a cigarette tastes at this time of day..." he whispered, then drove the burning hot cigarette directly into Leon's eye. The screaming was so profound that outside the door, Marth clapped his hands over Pit's ears. The angel looked very, very confused, and Samus sighed, relieved. He hadn't hear the screaming. Probably because of all that shaggy hair.

"I'll talk! I'll talk!" Leon whimpered, tears now flowing down his face. "I...I....Link was in Castle Hyrule when he signed us, but he spoke of...of a place called 'Zebes.' I don't know where that is, so don't hurt me anym...an...."  
Leon stopped speaking and slowly slumped downward. The soldier-of-fortune sighed, standing up, and exited the room. Marth removed his hands from Pit's ears, and everyone stared directly at Snake.  
"Zebes," he said quietly. "Link relocated to Zebes."  
"And what happened to Leon?" Samus asked, raising an eyebrow.  
"I...let him go," came the cryptic response. "Through the roof. He's probably in the sky now."

Samus was about to open her mouth to ask Snake why he was using childish euphemisms, but out of the corner of her eye, she saw something. Turning in that direction, she looked at the same thing that Snake had been covertly eyeing the entire time. Samus never pictured Snake as particularly sensitive, but at least he had tact. That little boy had gone through hell and high water to get Leon to the Orpheon alive. As far as he was concerned, his efforts hadn't been wasted.

"...Good work, soldier," Samus said quietly. "All of you have earned some down time. You can spend the rest of the day however you want. Dismissed."

**MISSION COMPLETE**


	9. Boys Will Be Boys

Disclaimer: Do I have to say every chapter that I don't own _Super Smash Bros_. or does Uncle Sam get it by now?

_Dismissed. Great! Time to spend the rest of the day in leisure. So..._

Pit looked around at the small clearning in which Samus had landed many years ago. This world was his oyster, but..

..._How do I do that?_

Sitting down on a rock and watching a Zoomer scuttle this way and that, Pit tried to think about what to do with his day off...for most of it. Every single idea he came up with struck him as frivolous and stupid. Was Pit just getting old? Did he forget how to play? Did he ever know how in the first place?

"Pit?"  
Pit jerked his head upright. That voice...

He turned around sluggishly to see the tall, graceful figure of Marth, Altea's former prince, stepping lightly on the Talloric grass towards him.

"Have you been sitting on that stone all day?" Marth asked, his face showing confusion and worry.  
"Yeah...I don't really know why. I guess...I guess I don't get told very much that I can do whatever I want." Pit blushed and looked at the ground. "I guess I...got so caught up thinking about what to do with my day off that I wasted it all away. Stupid, huh?"

Marth shrugged as he sat down beside Pit, dusting the rock off before he did so. "I've spent entire days daydreaming before. I know that Zelda and Peach have told me they do the same thing. It doesn't matter if you're not a manly man like Captain Falcon...his idea of fun is probably breaking rocks with his head or something."  
Pit burst out laughing. "Yeah, and he probably has some stupid name for that move too. FALCAWN....SKULL!" He doubled over, then sighed as his laughter subsided. "Or something like that."  
Marth had joined Pit in merriment, although the prince's laughter was much more subtle and proper. "Of all of the people who were involved in the Subspace debacle, he seemed to be the only one who made sure everyone knew the names of his moves. I hear that his rival, Samurai Goroh, has a technique that he created to counteract the Falcon Punch, but he doesn't say the move's name, so no one knows it."  
Pit raised an eyebrow. "What is the move? Do you know?"  
"I don't know the details, but it's some sort of powerful blade attack that harnesses the element of lightning. Again, this is probably as an answer to Falcon's pyrokinesis."  
"I wonder if Captain Falcon can throw his fire, like Mario and Luigi can." Pit looked up at the sky, now throroughly enjoying being lost in thought.  
"I guess I could ask Mario the next time I see him. See if he knows." Marth chuckled a little. "I heard, though, that Samus might be recruiting Captain Falcon to her cause, so you might be able to ask _him _directly."

Pit's face softened then. His smile slowly faded from his youthful face.  
"This is pretty big, isn't it? This business with Samus and Link."  
Marth placed a hand on Pit's head, gently tousling his hair. "I'm not going to lie to you, Pit. It's _very_ big. This could be more disastrous than a hundred Subspace events. I don't know that for sure, but...sometimes, I can _feel_ things about to happen. That's how I know that the way Roy treated me won't bother me forever."  
As Marth stood to return to his bedroom, Pit cocked his head to one side. "Whaddaya mean? How do you know it won't bother you forever?"

Marth stopped and turned slightly, his tapered face curling into the sweetest of smiles.  
"Every time I see you, I can't help but smile," he said quietly. He then bowed to Pit and made his way into the small rock-wall installment that Samus and Slippy Toad had assembled for him.

The angel placed a hand in his hair where Marth had ruffled it. His face went beet red as he realized what the prince meant by his statement.  
Pit looked directly at his feet and saw a rather unusual thing. There, right between his two big toes, was a flower with only one petal remaining. Pit picked this flower, held it close to his heart, then plucked that single petal and blew it into the wind.  
"...He loves me."


	10. Subtlety and Recklessness

Disclaimer: Hi. I'm Maria Angseth. This means that I am not Masahiro Sakurai, and as such, I did not create _Super Smash Bros._, nor did I create any of the characters within this story. The story itself, though, that's all me. You think Masahiro Sakurai's got the brass ones to have Samus and Zelda have sex in a volcanic hot spring? Shit no he doesn't, fuckin' pansy. As a matter of fact, that's how I'm gonna start this fuckin' chapter. Fuck that guy.

"Ahhhh...Samus! Not so rough!"

"Oh, shut up and take it...you know it feels good."

As scalding geysers erupted all around the small, steamy pool, Samus's teeth grazed across the stiff, ripened nipple of the small-chested queen in her arms. Zelda complained a lot during sex, but Samus knew her well enough to know that if she wasn't satisfied, she would say so with a sharp punch to the shoulder blades, not a halfassed protest derived from pleasure/pain.

"Nnnh...bite harder...."  
"Knew it...whiny little..."

As Samus bit down on the soft pink flesh, the elven girl to whom it belonged tipped her head back, seething with intense masochistic ecstasy. She wasn't a whips and chains sort of girl, but nothing was a bigger turn-on for Zelda than to be bitten and scratched. Her fingernails dug into Samus's shoulders, which made the warrior moan, but nothing had prepared Zelda for the surprise that Samus had in store for her. Her eyes widened and her lips parted to scream. Samus had penetrated her. Some people called such acts mere foreplay, but those people had never spent an evening with Samus Aran's magic fingers.

Samus was focused beyond all belief for a woman who was making love to her wife in a pool of magma-heated water and steam. Her eyes closed and her grip steady, Samus proceeded to pleasure Zelda with almost militaristic diligence, fueled by the raptured whimpers that blossomed forth from her love's thin, gentle lips. The Hunter knew the Hylian's little nooks and crannies almost as well as she knew the surface of her home planet. For a fleeting instant, her thoughts drifted to the ultimatum she'd received from Snake. Link was there...Zebes. That was the dumbest move he could possibly make. It was too easy, there had to be _something_ behind it--

"Ahhh! Ahhh! Samus! I'm about to come!"

Oh yes...to business.

Fingers twisting devilishly, Samus raised her head from Zelda's breasts to her neck, kissing and licking the steam-slick skin before biting it enticingly. It was that burst of sweet, sweet pain that sent Zelda over the edge. Her back arched, her limbs stiffened, and she screamed her climax to the heavens above as every muscle in her lower body tightened, contracted...then relaxed.

As Zelda was clearly too taken by her orgasm to move quickly, Samus simply lifted her into her arms, standing and leaving the pool.  
"C'mon, sweetie...mission time," she said quietly, to which Zelda could only nod.  
Re-entering her ship, Samus laid Zelda down, then began to dry them both. The soft bed in which she'd spent so many nights in deep space suited Zelda's lithe body more than her own. As she zipped up her Zero Suit and laid back for the ship to reactivate her armor, she took a moment to steal a glance at Zelda.  
"So beautiful."

_Badadada, badadada!_

Snake groaned. He hated being woken up by a Codec call, and knowing his luck it was probably Mei Ling. He couldn't handle her shrill voice this early in the morning.  
"This is Snake," he grunted, tapping his ear for clarity.  
"I need you to report to the bridge of the Orpheon. I have a mission for you." Samus Aran's voice was curt and to the point. She said her words, then cut the channel without so much as an 'over and out.' Leaving the small holding cell, formerly for prisoners, that was now his home away from home, Snake cracked his knuckles, then headed on the long and sometimes perilous trek toward the bridge.

Twenty minutes, four dead Aqua Reapers, and one cut shoulder later, Snake entered the large comm room where Samus and Zelda stood in front of the restored supercomputer.

"Good to see you, Snake," Samus muttered as Zelda gave a graceful curtsy.  
"What's the situation?" Snake lit up a cigarette, then offered one to Samus, who declined.  
"Your informant told us that Link is on Zebes. This is either the work of a madman, a genius, or both."

"You know that planet better than anyone alive," Snake concurred. "Why would he go there?"  
"My guess is that it's a trap. He'll lure us there, then ambush us." Samus made an irritated "huff" noise. "I've decided to send you and one other person there. You'll be gathering as much intel as you can in the caves of Brinstar, Norfair, and where Tourian used to be. Your partner on this mission will be scouring the surface of Zebes...high-speed land recon."  
"My partner?" Snake was used to working alone. He didn't like the sound of this.  
"You'll be relaying information to each other. I've set up a private Codec frequency...133.37...that only you two and I will be using."

"So who _is_ my partner?"

As if on cue, the door opened, and a short individual clad in red sneakers(and nothing else) strolled into the room, his mouth permanently fixed in a cocky smirk.

"Hey, hey, so are we going into space or what?" he crowed, and as soon as he saw Snake, the two looked at each other with daggers in their eyes. When they spoke, they spoke at the exact same time.  
"I'm not working with _him_, am I?"

Samus turned in her chair, hands folded on her lap.  
"Snake...Sonic. Like it or not, you two are the best men for the job. I'm well aware of the rivalry between you, and I expect you to take that rivalry and shove it up your asses. You're working together on this mission, and if I get any lip from either of you, I'll burn you to a crisp. Am I understood?"  
"Ma'am." Snake saluted. Sonic let out a groan, then waved his hand in dismissal. "Yeah, yeah...I'll be good."

"Be better than good." Samus tutted, then turned back to the computer.  
"You'll be sent to Zebes via warp magic, courtesy of Marth. He'll be here in a moment. I suggest you two get ready."

The warp occurred without incident. Marth arrived, then readied two portals to the coordinates Samus specified. He then left in a hurry, saying something along the lines of "I have pondering to do...serious pondering...relationship...divorce."

Upon arrival, Snake turned to Sonic, his face gruff.  
"If we do this, we do it as a team, Sonic," he stated bluntly. "If I can count on you, then you can count on me. Can we set our differences aside for the sake of our mission?"  
Sonic expected some military protocol crap like that from Snake. What he did not expect, however, was for the soldier to extend his hand. Taken aback, Sonic reached out slowly, which would mark the first time he did _anything_ slowly, then shook Snake's hand, his face firm and driven.  
"We can do this," he said simply. "I'm going to run around the surface of the planet and I'll tell you if I see anything weird. Where will you be starting?"  
Snake cracked his knuckles, looking toward a small cave.  
"I think I'm going to retrace Samus's footsteps...Brinstar first."  
"Got it. I'm out."  
With that, Sonic took off at the speed of sound, and by the time Snake's feet touched down on the spot where Samus's Zero Mission began, the hedgehog was already one tenth of the way finished.

Time seemed to move in slow motion for Sonic. He was too fast even for that...time. It was in times like these, sweeping his shifty eyes over everything he saw, that he wondered what his future held. He'd reached the pinnacle of his prowess, he was sure. That raised a question, though: where does he go from here? He was the fastest living thing in the universe. He could run at such speed that even _time_ paled in comparison. The only thing that outstripped him was light...and that wasn't a target he dare shoot for. He knew the consequences.

_Badadada, badadada!_

Well, _that_ was certainly a jerk back to reality.  
Tapping his ear, Sonic slowed down to about six hundred miles per hour so he could hear himself think.  
"Sonic here."  
"Progress report," came Snake's response.  
"So far, it's nothing but Zebes standard out here," Sonic began. "The only thing weird that I'm noticing is that there's not much in the way of surface-dwelling wildlife. What about down there? Are there any Geemers or anything?"  
"Negative...this _is_ strange." Snake crouched in a small alcove near the entrance to Norfair. "There must be a reason that they're all gone, and that raises the question of _where_ they went."  
Sonic slowed, then stopped. "Maybe Link just killed 'em all?"  
"That's unlikely, unless he possesses a power beyond anything we've ever seen, which I doubt."  
"How you figure?"  
"If he had such a power, he would have used it on Tallon IV," Snake explained. "He wouldn't have to deal with tricks if he could just poof us off the face of existence."

"Yeah, you got me th...oh my god." Sonic's face contorted, twisted by horror. "Oh my GOD."

Snake stood, walking towards the door to Norfair's elevator. "What? Sonic, report! What's happen--....oh."  
Sitting on the elevator, blocking its progress, was the exact same object that had made Sonic nearly piss himself with fear. It was a large metal sphere, split in half. Between these two halves sat a timer...counting down.  
Snake immediately began to sprint back the way he'd came, speaking into his Codec as he ran. "Sonic, meet me at the extraction point! We need to get out of here, NOW!"  
"G...got it! Sonic out!" Sonic was still shaken by what he saw, but he managed to compose himself long enough to follow Snake's directive.

_00:03_

_00:02_

_00:01_

_00:00_

The spheres reached their climax in unison and burst, giving way to ever-expanding radii of blue-black nothingness that swallowed everything in its path. Brinstar began to crumble all around Snake, who'd signaled Samus for extraction, but just as he approached the exit to Crateria, the infamous stone structures surrounding the elevator broke and collapsed around him. Sighing, Snake turned around, eyeing the wall of crushing death that neared him. He reached into his pouch, produced a cigarette, and lit up, closing his eyes. Every soldier had to face death sometime...it looked as if his time was now.  
_Shhhhng!_  
"HAH!"

Snake felt an arm wrap around his waist, then an unidentifiable force pull him upward. Was it an angel come to take him to Valhalla?

_Thud_.

...probably not.  
Snake opened his eyes and took a look around. He'd returned to the bridge of the Orpheon. Standing above him was the effeminate warrior Marth, who wiped some sweat from his brow before addressing Snake.  
"You're welcome."  
Snake sat up and looked to his left. Sonic lay on the ground, presumably unconscious.  
"He fainted," Marth explained. "I'm willing to bet that it was either shock or fear that did it to him."  
Snake rose to his feet, then turned to address Samus, who stood in front of the supercomputer, now clad in her armor from the neck down.  
"Snake...what did this? What did you see?"

Snake took a long drag on his cigarette, then exhaled. He looked weary...weary for the first time in years.  
"Link was luring us into a trap. You were smart to only send us." He looked his de facto superior directly in the eye.  
"Subspace bombs, Samus. Link has Subspace bombs."

As Samus's eyes widened and Zelda clapped her hands over her mouth, the main computer screen flashed with notification of an incoming call. Samus turned slowly and opened the channel. On the other end was the one person she knew she could count on to do a flyover of Hyrule.  
"Samus! This is Falco! There's a barrier surrounding Castle Hyrule on all sides! It's iridescent, like....like....oh, god....it's Tabuu! Link's got Tabuu trapped and he's using his wings to protect the castle! I'm pulling out! I'm comin' back right now!"  
As the channel closed, Samus turned to Snake. The soldier was a step ahead of her, having already produced a lit cigarette for her. Both warriors took a drag, then puffed a cloud into the air. Snake was the first to speak.

"...God help us. God help us all."


	11. Chapter 11

Disclaimer: I do not lay claim to _Super Smash Bros._ or any of its subsidiaries, e.g. _Metroid_, _The Legend of Zelda_, _Metal Gear Solid_

Hello everyone.

After a long hiatus, I've decided it's time to stop.

This story isn't going to be finished. I'm discontinuing it right now.

Let's be honest with each other: this story is complete trash. It's a stupid female-supremacist rant with all sorts of plot holes, and I've read third grade essays with better pacing. Aside from that, I have nowhere to go from here. There's really nothing for me to do with this story other than end it before I embarass myself any further. In a while, I'll take a stab at fanfiction again. It'll be a long time, though.

I'm glad to have been received so well, even though I didn't deserve it.

Angseth out.


End file.
